Climate Rush like to do what it says on the tin, so when the Landmark Hotel closed all entrances apart from one heavily guarded by police, it was obvious that a rush was needed in order to make sure that the UK NO NEW COAL AWARDS went ahead as planned. How inconsiderate of them to lock us out when we had a schedule to keep!
So, at 6.30pm on the dot we stormed through the fire exit and elegantly rushed into the Winter Garden area of the atrium, where we planned to hold our counter awards to the UK Coal industry’s annual pat on the back.
To the total bemusement of men and women in black tie stood by, not to mention the hotel staff, we sat down and began to chant “No New Coal.” Tamsin Omond and Marina Pepper, our favourite ex-page three girl, appeared at the balcony above the hall and started to hand out awards, but this being Tamsin the police were on her like a shot; whisking her off and out of the hotel even as she read out the awards. How undeserved!
As a huge banner was unfurled, bearing James Hansen’s immortal words: “COAL FIRED POWER STATIONS ARE FACTORIES OF DEATH. CLOSE THEM” by two intrepid climbers on the lintel above, Marina instead gave a rousing speech to the hundred or so present, some munching on beautifully sliced cucumber sandwiches that the crusts had been lovingly cut off.
Marina was informed that the awards had in fact been cancelled, and that the dodgy emails that Climate Rush had received, one signed by Mark Land (hoho) and one from the silly sounding Buster Gonads, were indeed bona fide missives from the hotel’s staff.
Thereafter followed some dilema, which was solved in style by consensus, when we collectively decided to politely vacate the building. This led to some milling around outside with a bunch of people in black tie who were trying to get inside, as we tried to decide if the claims were in fact true.
One guest claimed to be from BP, which led to the conclusion that we had been lied to, and so we rushed around to the back of the building where rumours of another entrance spread like wildfire. Hanging onto the gates with sheer force of will, Climate Rushers attempted to stop the police from closing us out.
Clearly perturbed by the turn of events, Landmark manager Mr. Green then invited two of our kind in on a tour of the hotel to prove that UK Coal had indeed cancelled the event – believed to have taken place during the day instead.
Marina then returned to tell us the fantastic news that the Landmark hotel have undertaken a pledge never again to entertain Climate Changing industries, and not only this, but they will attempt to push this policy out across the other 25 hotels in this luxury hotel chain. We fully expect Mr. Green to keep to his word!
With our bike sound system now powered up it was time to complete our rollcall of awards, handing out our fantastic (some might say faintly ridiculous) coalmine canaries (at least, those that hadn’t yet been confiscated by the police – paper mache can be very dangerous) So here, in no particular order, are the UK No New Coal Awards
Science Fiction award
goes to the most unbelievable technology not yet available to stop CO2 emissions, Carbon Capture and Storage.
Financial Fool award
goes to the Royal Bank of Scotland, for helping to raise $16 billion in loans to finance the worldwide coal industry over the past two years.
LIfetime Achievement award
goes to Drax coal fired power station, for the Greatest Emissions in the UK, equivalent to that of the 54 poorest countries in the world.
Best Supporting Role
goes to the biggest Climate Coward, Gordon Brown, for putting business interests before Climate Change.
Best Newcomer
goes to the next likely “factory of death”, Kingsnorth coal fired power station in Kent.
and finally…
UK Coal Personality of the Year
goes to Paul Golby, CEO of energy company E.ON, for outstanding services to Greenwash (whilst plotting to build Kingsnorth)
We then danced on down the road to a local Wetherspoons (yuk) as recommended by the police, where all celebrated in red sashes, to the amusement of the other punters.
Remembering that we still had a room available in the hotel, some of us returned to continue celebrating in five star luxury, whilst we crafted a press release and uploaded our pictures. Well, it would be a shame to waste such style!
Today I woke with my heart singing, for what Climate Rush did yesterday was really rather wonderful. The power of many makes us strong – long may our adventures in stopping Climate Change continue.
What an adventure…wish i was there!! Keep Rocking.xox
They had it at Lord’s Cricket Ground instead.
lovely piece amelia!! xxxxx
Cheers. Keep at it folks.